In a presently re-circulated clip of Christine O’Donnell of the Tea Party from the 1990’s on Politically Incorrect with Bill Marr, she suggests that people should not lie. Sounds good so far, right? But put to the test, by her co guest, of ‘would you lie if you were hiding some Jewish people and the Nazis are at the door’ she, in many more words, said no. To be fair, she did say that she thought that G-d would provide a way for her. Out of the situation I assume she meant. (Unlike six million other people, which in my opinion bespeaks an underlying belief. But that’s another article.)
Ladies and gentleman, we do lie. Up up up, spare me your incredulous comments and stern looks. We lie to spare someone’s feelings. As in “Does this dress make my but look fat?” Of course we say no. I’ve never heard someone say “Why yes, it sure does” or “If that’s what your going for, mission accomplished” or “It makes your rear look big enough so show a drive in movie on; hey what’s wrong?” Our best selves might say no, but make a smooth and subtle suggestions about the person’s change of clothes. For example, “I’ve really always liked you in that black and green dress.” The Talmud says, “For the sake of peace one may lie, but peace itself should never be a lie.” And who doesn’t want to keep peace in their own homes and in their friendships. (Master of the obvious says-I am NOT talking about not gracefully challenging someone close when necessary.)
And hopefully we lie when someone is in danger, especially possible mortal danger. The Talmud says, “Whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world; and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world.” So should we lie if the Nazi’s are at the door? You betch. And I think most people (I know) would, or at least I’d hope they would. Would you lie to save yourself or others? Hopefully you would. Shifra and Puah, the two midwives, lied to Pharaoh in order to continue to spare the children and by doing so spared themselves. Abraham lied and asked his wife Sarah to say she was his sister because he thought it would save his life, so clearly better people than me have chosen this path.
What about tact and diplomocy. If one goes to visit a home and the owner has a guest whom isn’t particularly well liked, doesn’t one shake hands and try to be civil? Don’t politicians, at least in some part, owe it to the people they represent to behave with propriety and decorum? Don’t reporter’s in the interest of uncovering information treat even people they may loath with a certain amount of consideration? I resently saw the Lawrence Wright’s documentary “My trip tp Al-Qaeda”and without his defence and mindfulness in some situations, the film/book likely would have never been written. Additionally, he may not have made it back alive after the political climate increasingly worsened. Rabbi Shimon ben Pazi states, "It is permitted to flatter wicked people in this world." In this case, not simply to acquire the makings of a book, but to save his own life. And to his credit, Wright questions this himself in the documentary-Would he have killed Bin Laden given the opportunity? And when does he stand up for his own beliefs and when does he not? (http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/my-trip-to-al-qaeda/index.html (Be warned-contains graphic images of cruelty to people and animals. )
There are many websites that misquote the Tulmad as a rasist tract and include the issue of consent to lie as part of their support for anti-sematism:
(http://www.revisionisthistory.org/talmudtruth.html; http://www.radioislam.org/islam/english/toread/jewras.htm; http://www.opposingdigits.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=5021;)
Clearly the misuse of this information is abatrary in supporting another cause.
When we tell our children not to lie, we know that they will also grow into adults with, we hope, a modicum of common sense. We teach them the value of life and the value of preserving life and we remind them through their education and daily life not to bear false witness and against habitual lying, and hopefully, the wisdom to know the difference.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Saturday Girl-A Personal Rant
We recently had a yard sale in an effort to get some neighborhood unity-the thinking was by the lady who is trying to form a neighborhood watch. When she originally lighted on my door, she had a plan to have it on a Saturday. My answer, “We will not be able to participate then; it’s our Sabbath.” She looked perplexed, but indicated that she knew what I was talking about. “How about Sunday?” I asked cheerfully. (Okay, it wasn’t very nice of me, being that I know it is church-y town. But I wanted for one moment to put the shoe on the other foot. Why does everything have to be scheduled on Saturday here?)
This wasn’t out first encounter. She lifted her clipboard and asked, “I didn’t get your husband’s first name last time…” Truth be told, she didn't ask and I, being ona roll felt the need to say so. She waited pen poised... I think I’m fairly liberal about social situations. I’m accessible, friendly, my friend’s children call me by my first name, but the thought of anyone calling a Rabbi by his first name uninvited makes me cringe. Maybe ‘liberal’ is relative. “Rabbi,” I answer. She looks surprised, but writes it down. It was only too clear where this was going; damage control complete. “We wont be able to do it on a Sunday,” she tells me with a wave of her hand. And although she hasn’t left my step, she is convinced that no one will be interested in Sunday. I shrug. “Okay.”
A few blocks from our home is a small but lovely museum. They have an opened call, twice a year, to regional and local artists. Since I paint, I looked into it, and even became a member. Guess what day EVERY drop off to the jury is scheduled? The pick-up too.
There is an artist’s gallery a few towns over. I have participated in their spring show. The manager, a young Muslim woman, who likes my use of Hebrew lettering in the shading, a blessing here, a prayer there, and lets me set up a time to come before sundown on Friday, sometimes Friday afternoon, sometimes Thursdays. But, I have never gone to an opening night there, even when I am in the show-they are all on Friday nights and Saturdays. As you might imagine, this makes networking difficult and eventually I stopped getting notices from them.
Our local theater has performances on Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. So if I’m up for a matinee, this schedule works. We recently brought our religious school there for an outing and the children really seemed to enjoy themselves. They saw “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.” The adults might have been more interested in last years “Fiddler on the Roof” if it hadn’t played during the nine days. (If only there was someone for them to call, who would know what holidays would interfere with gaining an audience-but I digress.)
The Fireworks Festival celebrating the fourth of July is regularly scheduled for the Friday night after the fourth. I live a few city blocks away and usually it does start well after nine, so I could go if I wanted to, I suppose. The same Saturday schedule is true for county fairs, craft shows, the farmer’s market, most one day sales, and the artist (free) outdoor show, a once a year occurrence, just down the street from me. Saturday only!
Last year, another gallery a few towns over invited me as their feature artist. I hung the show on a weekday, instead of the usual Friday. Also, the opening was changed from the usual Saturday to a Sunday. The manager was very inclusive and changed the days for us. Usually, the worry is that there will be fewer people and fewer sales on an alternative schedule. But it was well attended and beautiful. Flowers on the table, wine, cheese, fruit. People ate and drank and talked …and bought. We sold 25% by the end of the show. For people who aren’t involved in the art world, those are good numbers. In fact, the manager said it was the highest selling show in her history. I’m invited back next August.
Imagine my surprise when about three weeks ago a notice appeared on my door. (I hadn’t got a neighborhood notice since I said I couldn’t participate on Saturdays.) The yard sale was scheduled for Saturday and Sunday! After a nice shabbos rest, we emptied our belongings one to the lawn. My friend’s son straightened and arranged the flotsam and jetsam for five dollars and all the Popsicles he could eat. And while it is true that only one other family in the neighborhood set up in their yard on Sunday, a fact I was only told, as they were too far away to see, it was nice to have it extended. We made about half as much as our next-door neighbors did the day before, but in our defense it did rain in the morning for a time and I did price some items low, with the idea that I would rather sell them than have the Rabbi lug them back to the basement.
We had the opportunity to participate-and even though I suppose we could have planned our own-it is nice not to be excluded.
We recently had a yard sale in an effort to get some neighborhood unity-the thinking was by the lady who is trying to form a neighborhood watch. When she originally lighted on my door, she had a plan to have it on a Saturday. My answer, “We will not be able to participate then; it’s our Sabbath.” She looked perplexed, but indicated that she knew what I was talking about. “How about Sunday?” I asked cheerfully. (Okay, it wasn’t very nice of me, being that I know it is church-y town. But I wanted for one moment to put the shoe on the other foot. Why does everything have to be scheduled on Saturday here?)
This wasn’t out first encounter. She lifted her clipboard and asked, “I didn’t get your husband’s first name last time…” Truth be told, she didn't ask and I, being ona roll felt the need to say so. She waited pen poised... I think I’m fairly liberal about social situations. I’m accessible, friendly, my friend’s children call me by my first name, but the thought of anyone calling a Rabbi by his first name uninvited makes me cringe. Maybe ‘liberal’ is relative. “Rabbi,” I answer. She looks surprised, but writes it down. It was only too clear where this was going; damage control complete. “We wont be able to do it on a Sunday,” she tells me with a wave of her hand. And although she hasn’t left my step, she is convinced that no one will be interested in Sunday. I shrug. “Okay.”
A few blocks from our home is a small but lovely museum. They have an opened call, twice a year, to regional and local artists. Since I paint, I looked into it, and even became a member. Guess what day EVERY drop off to the jury is scheduled? The pick-up too.
There is an artist’s gallery a few towns over. I have participated in their spring show. The manager, a young Muslim woman, who likes my use of Hebrew lettering in the shading, a blessing here, a prayer there, and lets me set up a time to come before sundown on Friday, sometimes Friday afternoon, sometimes Thursdays. But, I have never gone to an opening night there, even when I am in the show-they are all on Friday nights and Saturdays. As you might imagine, this makes networking difficult and eventually I stopped getting notices from them.
Our local theater has performances on Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. So if I’m up for a matinee, this schedule works. We recently brought our religious school there for an outing and the children really seemed to enjoy themselves. They saw “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.” The adults might have been more interested in last years “Fiddler on the Roof” if it hadn’t played during the nine days. (If only there was someone for them to call, who would know what holidays would interfere with gaining an audience-but I digress.)
The Fireworks Festival celebrating the fourth of July is regularly scheduled for the Friday night after the fourth. I live a few city blocks away and usually it does start well after nine, so I could go if I wanted to, I suppose. The same Saturday schedule is true for county fairs, craft shows, the farmer’s market, most one day sales, and the artist (free) outdoor show, a once a year occurrence, just down the street from me. Saturday only!
Last year, another gallery a few towns over invited me as their feature artist. I hung the show on a weekday, instead of the usual Friday. Also, the opening was changed from the usual Saturday to a Sunday. The manager was very inclusive and changed the days for us. Usually, the worry is that there will be fewer people and fewer sales on an alternative schedule. But it was well attended and beautiful. Flowers on the table, wine, cheese, fruit. People ate and drank and talked …and bought. We sold 25% by the end of the show. For people who aren’t involved in the art world, those are good numbers. In fact, the manager said it was the highest selling show in her history. I’m invited back next August.
Imagine my surprise when about three weeks ago a notice appeared on my door. (I hadn’t got a neighborhood notice since I said I couldn’t participate on Saturdays.) The yard sale was scheduled for Saturday and Sunday! After a nice shabbos rest, we emptied our belongings one to the lawn. My friend’s son straightened and arranged the flotsam and jetsam for five dollars and all the Popsicles he could eat. And while it is true that only one other family in the neighborhood set up in their yard on Sunday, a fact I was only told, as they were too far away to see, it was nice to have it extended. We made about half as much as our next-door neighbors did the day before, but in our defense it did rain in the morning for a time and I did price some items low, with the idea that I would rather sell them than have the Rabbi lug them back to the basement.
We had the opportunity to participate-and even though I suppose we could have planned our own-it is nice not to be excluded.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
“Do not hate your neighbor in your heart” Vayikra 19:17
When you are angry with someone, or disappointed or annoyed, what is your first course of action? Do you speak to the person directly and try to sort out the problem? Sometimes when we approach a person with the respect we all deserve and say, “I am upset about something…Can we talk about it?” (Notice the use of “I” statements here. This is because “you” statements such a “You said…” or “You made me mad” or “You probably…” leave a person feeling attacked. This solves nothing, but is like pouring gas on an open flame.)
When we address the problem directly, we find out that the person did not say or do what we think they did or that they didn’t realize our discomfort. How often it is that an off-handed remark can lead to a rift in a friendship. And the tactic we use instead only causes the problem to worsen. That is to complain about it, or more often the person in general, to people who can do absolutely nothing to solve our dispute. Herein lies the problem. Not only do we continue to have negative feelings, but we have started a course of action that we may quickly lose control of. (And it grows, sometimes like a snowball rolled down hill, other times like an avalanche, in proportion to our anger- as in “You know what else bothers me about him!”) Who knows how many times this story or stories will be repeated even after we are finished being mad or find out our assumption was not even true!
The Talmud (Yevamot, 62B) reminds us of the dangers of treating each other with less than the respect we all deserve. “…Rabbi Akiva had twelve thousand pairs of students…and they all died in one short period of time, because they did not have proper respect for each other.” The period of death finally ended on the thirty-third day of the Omar (Lag BaOmer). How can it be that the students of a brilliant and renowned Rabbi, who taught that the essence of the Torah is, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” could lose all of his students in this manner? One theory is that like Moses who tried to shoulder the responsibility for the golden calf, the student took on the responsibility for people not having the proper respect for each other. What a burden that must be!
One of the problems with this approach to ‘problem solving’ is that it assumes mal intent on behalf of the person we are annoyed with. To a degree we assume they knew we were annoyed; that they did it on purpose; that they are ‘out to get us’. (It would be a little funny to see ourselves in this light, if it were not so very sad.)
And the second half is that the problem never gets solved, so our negative feeling grow and fester. Add to that equation speaking Lashon Hara and we have the perfect storm.
Even listening to Lashon Hara is a problem. For one thing we endanger ourselves because we might begin to believe it and we endanger those around us by listening because our mere presence supports and endangers others to believing the rumors are true.
I’m sure you are aware, the Teshuva for speaking Lashon Hara involves: regret, praying to G-d, and a commitment not to repeat the behaviors in the future. In addition, one is required to find all the people who hear the Lashon Hara and tell them that he or she was incorrect. (This is no easy feat, and explains a great deal about why a story reported on the front page of the newspaper will be retracted somewhere near page 6 section C.) One is also required to ask the person harmed to forgive them, but they are not supposed to upset the person by confronting them with a rumor about themselves or cause them distress, so it is permissible to be vague. We don’t want to embarrass or humiliate the person further.
Committing NOT to repeat or believe Lashon Hara, anything that damages the reputation of another, is more demanding that it sounds, but what better time to consider and correct these behaviors than the High Holidays. We have an opportunity to deliberate and reflect on our behaviors, this is our task during the ten days of awe, and atone for them on Yom Kippur.
When we address the problem directly, we find out that the person did not say or do what we think they did or that they didn’t realize our discomfort. How often it is that an off-handed remark can lead to a rift in a friendship. And the tactic we use instead only causes the problem to worsen. That is to complain about it, or more often the person in general, to people who can do absolutely nothing to solve our dispute. Herein lies the problem. Not only do we continue to have negative feelings, but we have started a course of action that we may quickly lose control of. (And it grows, sometimes like a snowball rolled down hill, other times like an avalanche, in proportion to our anger- as in “You know what else bothers me about him!”) Who knows how many times this story or stories will be repeated even after we are finished being mad or find out our assumption was not even true!
The Talmud (Yevamot, 62B) reminds us of the dangers of treating each other with less than the respect we all deserve. “…Rabbi Akiva had twelve thousand pairs of students…and they all died in one short period of time, because they did not have proper respect for each other.” The period of death finally ended on the thirty-third day of the Omar (Lag BaOmer). How can it be that the students of a brilliant and renowned Rabbi, who taught that the essence of the Torah is, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” could lose all of his students in this manner? One theory is that like Moses who tried to shoulder the responsibility for the golden calf, the student took on the responsibility for people not having the proper respect for each other. What a burden that must be!
One of the problems with this approach to ‘problem solving’ is that it assumes mal intent on behalf of the person we are annoyed with. To a degree we assume they knew we were annoyed; that they did it on purpose; that they are ‘out to get us’. (It would be a little funny to see ourselves in this light, if it were not so very sad.)
And the second half is that the problem never gets solved, so our negative feeling grow and fester. Add to that equation speaking Lashon Hara and we have the perfect storm.
Even listening to Lashon Hara is a problem. For one thing we endanger ourselves because we might begin to believe it and we endanger those around us by listening because our mere presence supports and endangers others to believing the rumors are true.
I’m sure you are aware, the Teshuva for speaking Lashon Hara involves: regret, praying to G-d, and a commitment not to repeat the behaviors in the future. In addition, one is required to find all the people who hear the Lashon Hara and tell them that he or she was incorrect. (This is no easy feat, and explains a great deal about why a story reported on the front page of the newspaper will be retracted somewhere near page 6 section C.) One is also required to ask the person harmed to forgive them, but they are not supposed to upset the person by confronting them with a rumor about themselves or cause them distress, so it is permissible to be vague. We don’t want to embarrass or humiliate the person further.
Committing NOT to repeat or believe Lashon Hara, anything that damages the reputation of another, is more demanding that it sounds, but what better time to consider and correct these behaviors than the High Holidays. We have an opportunity to deliberate and reflect on our behaviors, this is our task during the ten days of awe, and atone for them on Yom Kippur.
The Dare List
The List Dare
I can’t help but notice the recurrence of “I Hate” videos. Why so focused on this? I don’t know. Sure it feels great to vent once in a while, but that dissipates quickly and really what is more irritating about the thing(s) you hate most, than to focus on them. How about a ‘joy list’ once in a while, or a ‘love list’, even a ‘like list’ would be interesting and preferable. It seems that depression and angst and disharmony are fashionable. (Master of the obvious says, I am NOT talking about a diagnosis of depression, which is a serious medical condition.) It’s almost as if by not voicing these you are outside of the trend. Maybe it has become taboo to mention being happy?
If anyone has the nerve to make a ‘joy list’ or an ‘I like’ list. I dare you.. I double dare you. Make one and send it to me (and youtube.com) and (space and number not prohibiting.) I’ll post it on my blog! Don’t be trendy! You’re more interesting than that!
Your view of the world changes the world.
I can’t help but notice the recurrence of “I Hate” videos. Why so focused on this? I don’t know. Sure it feels great to vent once in a while, but that dissipates quickly and really what is more irritating about the thing(s) you hate most, than to focus on them. How about a ‘joy list’ once in a while, or a ‘love list’, even a ‘like list’ would be interesting and preferable. It seems that depression and angst and disharmony are fashionable. (Master of the obvious says, I am NOT talking about a diagnosis of depression, which is a serious medical condition.) It’s almost as if by not voicing these you are outside of the trend. Maybe it has become taboo to mention being happy?
If anyone has the nerve to make a ‘joy list’ or an ‘I like’ list. I dare you.. I double dare you. Make one and send it to me (and youtube.com) and (space and number not prohibiting.) I’ll post it on my blog! Don’t be trendy! You’re more interesting than that!
Your view of the world changes the world.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Jewish-er than you?
We’ve all heard the saying; “You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.” And the metaphor is clear enough. So how ironic that on the week of the 9th of Av when are thoughts are on the loss of the temple and our continuing disunity, we should have an event the likes of which I, unfortunately, HAVE seen before. A young man was having a caustic argument with a woman on line. Included in his diatribe were the ideas: she’s NOT A REAL Jew, and one of his regular supporters added that her children were NOT Jewish either. As far as I could see the argument started as a result of some differences in political opinion (She likes Obama; He does not.) and a comment she made about assimilation with which he did not agree. I saw the comment and it was my understanding that she was making a statement about being more observant not less. A fact that I explained to the young man but with limited results. Instead, I was attacked next as agreeing with assimilation. Okay, so besides being more interested in bullying, belittling, and purposeful misrepresentation…what’s the problem?
For one thing, it is not up to us individually to decide who is “cut off”. (After I tried to defend this poor convert I was also referred to, post-argument, as a “Low Jew”. (Maybe there’ll be an argument about that! Who knows, but if not me then someone else was referred to this way and how, really, is that any better?) If you want to play ‘Jew-er-than-you’ you do so at the expense of any hope of unity. When better than in the nine days to remember this?
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get rid of this political style cartoon image in my head of Mashiach coming and the temple being rebuilt, and a fraction of people missing it because they are standing off to one side arguing amongst themselves!(G-d forbid.)
If someone has a problem and you want to help him or her, then be a mench and offer help, privately, kindly, and include the number of a good Rabbi. During the argument the question of whether she was Orthodox was brought up and, frankly, I don’t know. I figure that this is between her, her husband, her Rabbi, her conscience, and G-d. But my sense is maybe she is moving toward this, as some people do when they are not born to it. And since ‘return’ is on the agenda as what many people want then why expend so much energy chasing people off? What a lost opportunity!
I can’t help but wonder if the angry, self-proclaimed, baal chuva (sp?), who decided the convert was not Jewish at, was approached the way he approached this woman? Or did a Rabbi teach him with inspiration, wisdom and kindness? Was he allowed to grow into his newfound observances or was he criticized, loudly and publicly, regularly for what he hadn’t learned or under taken yet?
I was also appalled by the insistence that she “prove” she was Jewish by disclosing information about her conversion. Of course she wont, after her experience of people ranting at her, would you? It’s also important to remember what the Torah says about strangers in a strange land. “You were strangers once too in the land of Egypt.” We are well advised to not only welcome the convert but to not to even remind them of the time before they converted.
Last time I checked Judaism was not a contest. When people get competitive I can’t help but wonder about their motives. The ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ tactics make me think of someone who needs a little positive attention, but like so many children will settle for negative. (Yes, you can have ‘the award’; now stop yelling at people.) It is important to remember that when a person is looking to undertake more learning and mitzvots then what better time to offer help. If one is approached with animosity and scorned then they will have been effectively turned away. People respond positively to the beauty and joy of mitzvots, rituals, and community. And they come to them at their own pace. To approach someone otherwise risks crippling the person spiritually and that’s a shonder.
For one thing, it is not up to us individually to decide who is “cut off”. (After I tried to defend this poor convert I was also referred to, post-argument, as a “Low Jew”. (Maybe there’ll be an argument about that! Who knows, but if not me then someone else was referred to this way and how, really, is that any better?) If you want to play ‘Jew-er-than-you’ you do so at the expense of any hope of unity. When better than in the nine days to remember this?
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get rid of this political style cartoon image in my head of Mashiach coming and the temple being rebuilt, and a fraction of people missing it because they are standing off to one side arguing amongst themselves!(G-d forbid.)
If someone has a problem and you want to help him or her, then be a mench and offer help, privately, kindly, and include the number of a good Rabbi. During the argument the question of whether she was Orthodox was brought up and, frankly, I don’t know. I figure that this is between her, her husband, her Rabbi, her conscience, and G-d. But my sense is maybe she is moving toward this, as some people do when they are not born to it. And since ‘return’ is on the agenda as what many people want then why expend so much energy chasing people off? What a lost opportunity!
I can’t help but wonder if the angry, self-proclaimed, baal chuva (sp?), who decided the convert was not Jewish at, was approached the way he approached this woman? Or did a Rabbi teach him with inspiration, wisdom and kindness? Was he allowed to grow into his newfound observances or was he criticized, loudly and publicly, regularly for what he hadn’t learned or under taken yet?
I was also appalled by the insistence that she “prove” she was Jewish by disclosing information about her conversion. Of course she wont, after her experience of people ranting at her, would you? It’s also important to remember what the Torah says about strangers in a strange land. “You were strangers once too in the land of Egypt.” We are well advised to not only welcome the convert but to not to even remind them of the time before they converted.
Last time I checked Judaism was not a contest. When people get competitive I can’t help but wonder about their motives. The ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ tactics make me think of someone who needs a little positive attention, but like so many children will settle for negative. (Yes, you can have ‘the award’; now stop yelling at people.) It is important to remember that when a person is looking to undertake more learning and mitzvots then what better time to offer help. If one is approached with animosity and scorned then they will have been effectively turned away. People respond positively to the beauty and joy of mitzvots, rituals, and community. And they come to them at their own pace. To approach someone otherwise risks crippling the person spiritually and that’s a shonder.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Re: “We Jews will Never convert”
I belong to a group on Facebook called “We Jews will Never convert”. I think the title is self explanatory. At some point I also became an administrator of this group, being fairly new to Facebook I am not really sure how this came about, but I didn’t decline; in fact I found myself flattered and proud. I have posted on the page a few times and think it is a good place for people to vent their frustration at the bombardment of opinions, unsolicited of course, about people who “offer” a new religion to Jewish people. And sometimes the sheer harassment of it all.
Generally speaking I am a live and let live kind of person. I try to act in a way that I think is an appropriate, though I am not perfect. And I try to act with patience and understanding, or so I think.
In my previous location, I used to belong to an all woman’s gym. The owner, a talkative and charming woman asked me what I was doing for Easter. “Nothing,” I told her, “I’m Jewish.” She was Greek Orthodox and seemed not only respectful but genuinely interested. I told her a little bit about Passover. She asked the obvious, “So Passover is like your Easter?” Nope. We talked about varying things as the other women talked about different traditions. She asked me again the next week. “Still Jewish,” I answered from the stationary bike. “Sorry, I forgot.” she answered, and then asked me some more questions. One of the women who hadn’t been in our last few conversations identified herself a x-tian and exclaimed, “Oh you haven’t heard of our lord” you know who. Yes, thought, of course being Jewish is just a case of being horribly misinformed, you ignorant jerk. I didn’t have to answer because the owner reprimanded her for me.
Since I have moved here I have had more door to door salesman than I ever remember. It is a small town with an even smaller Jewish population and lots and lot of evangelicals. The Rabbi no longer participates in the ministry meetings because his suggestion to pray exclusively to G-d so that he could participate in good conscience was answered with a resounding, “no”.
One of our door to door salesmen was guy that came to the door dressed like a character on TV playing a southern preacher. He had a white shirt and kept adjusting the top of his pants and running his hands around the inside of his belt. He came, he said, to give us ‘some inspiration’ in a world that was lacking it and kept lifting the ‘bible’ in his right hand as though it was a weight or maybe to remind us it was there. At first I used my stand by opening for such occasions. (The fact that I have developed a standby opening should have been sounding an alarm in my head.) “This is the Rabbi’s house,” I told him and gestured toward the synagogue. He hesitated but only for a moment. Then he told me he wanted to read something to me from the book of Daniel. As he opened his mouth I interrupted, “We read the bible. The Torah, a different portion every week,” I told him. He looked a little confused and opened the book again. The a piece of glass fell from the storm door and hit him in the foot. You can think of this a coincidence if you want to…
I had a girl of about thirteen with an even smaller girl in tow come to the door to offer an invitation to a local churches picnic-a drive for new membership. When I told the little girl at the door that we were Jewish she said, “That’s alright, we’re inviting anyone.” Thanks. I showed her the door frame and told her she should skip the homes with a mezuzah, indicating that the Jewish people considered it a grave sin to try to convert them. Did it work? I can’t know. But at least she learned that this is the Rabbi’s house and she should be sure to tell the church not to leave those incessant bible study fliers.
And as if those fliers aren’t enough. We have started to receive mail. One letter was addressed to temple, synagogues, churches and so on, so it is clear that it wasn’t a mistake that we received it. It was a long rant in newsletter form about anti-gentilism, which it alleged was rampant in our country. I gave it to the Rabbi.
This morning I opened a letter intended for my husband. (He told me to as he didn’t recognize the name in the return address.) Inside was a series of letters from a man (though he is not a congregant, we know is father) to his ill aunt with a handwritten note atop stating just that, no other explanation. For some reason this man felt the need to send copies of this six page diatribe to the RABBI’S HOUSE. Before I set out to explain the letters, I have to tell you that parts of them were unintelligible, however one theme seemed to be that the aunt, while not x-tain, could still possibly go to heaven. There were also a lot of “scripture” quotes and references to lakes of fire, Buddha, Karma, the church and so on. But significant mentions of the Jewish people were also made: Such as if someone could come into to heaven without becoming a x-tain then everyone would worship like the Jews do (?) Also, that while Sodom and Gomorra were destroyed for their sins, their sins were not as bad as the Jews (?). And so on.
Are these the only instances? Of course not, just recent ones. A woman whose husband knows my husband suggested over dinner that they are just doing what they think is right, and that I should try to be more understanding of that. Okay, maybe the first time. Though I don’t understand why someone would think one religion’s doctrines and traditions trump the rights of another. Oh wait, yes I do. And that’s the point.
Generally speaking I am a live and let live kind of person. I try to act in a way that I think is an appropriate, though I am not perfect. And I try to act with patience and understanding, or so I think.
In my previous location, I used to belong to an all woman’s gym. The owner, a talkative and charming woman asked me what I was doing for Easter. “Nothing,” I told her, “I’m Jewish.” She was Greek Orthodox and seemed not only respectful but genuinely interested. I told her a little bit about Passover. She asked the obvious, “So Passover is like your Easter?” Nope. We talked about varying things as the other women talked about different traditions. She asked me again the next week. “Still Jewish,” I answered from the stationary bike. “Sorry, I forgot.” she answered, and then asked me some more questions. One of the women who hadn’t been in our last few conversations identified herself a x-tian and exclaimed, “Oh you haven’t heard of our lord” you know who. Yes, thought, of course being Jewish is just a case of being horribly misinformed, you ignorant jerk. I didn’t have to answer because the owner reprimanded her for me.
Since I have moved here I have had more door to door salesman than I ever remember. It is a small town with an even smaller Jewish population and lots and lot of evangelicals. The Rabbi no longer participates in the ministry meetings because his suggestion to pray exclusively to G-d so that he could participate in good conscience was answered with a resounding, “no”.
One of our door to door salesmen was guy that came to the door dressed like a character on TV playing a southern preacher. He had a white shirt and kept adjusting the top of his pants and running his hands around the inside of his belt. He came, he said, to give us ‘some inspiration’ in a world that was lacking it and kept lifting the ‘bible’ in his right hand as though it was a weight or maybe to remind us it was there. At first I used my stand by opening for such occasions. (The fact that I have developed a standby opening should have been sounding an alarm in my head.) “This is the Rabbi’s house,” I told him and gestured toward the synagogue. He hesitated but only for a moment. Then he told me he wanted to read something to me from the book of Daniel. As he opened his mouth I interrupted, “We read the bible. The Torah, a different portion every week,” I told him. He looked a little confused and opened the book again. The a piece of glass fell from the storm door and hit him in the foot. You can think of this a coincidence if you want to…
I had a girl of about thirteen with an even smaller girl in tow come to the door to offer an invitation to a local churches picnic-a drive for new membership. When I told the little girl at the door that we were Jewish she said, “That’s alright, we’re inviting anyone.” Thanks. I showed her the door frame and told her she should skip the homes with a mezuzah, indicating that the Jewish people considered it a grave sin to try to convert them. Did it work? I can’t know. But at least she learned that this is the Rabbi’s house and she should be sure to tell the church not to leave those incessant bible study fliers.
And as if those fliers aren’t enough. We have started to receive mail. One letter was addressed to temple, synagogues, churches and so on, so it is clear that it wasn’t a mistake that we received it. It was a long rant in newsletter form about anti-gentilism, which it alleged was rampant in our country. I gave it to the Rabbi.
This morning I opened a letter intended for my husband. (He told me to as he didn’t recognize the name in the return address.) Inside was a series of letters from a man (though he is not a congregant, we know is father) to his ill aunt with a handwritten note atop stating just that, no other explanation. For some reason this man felt the need to send copies of this six page diatribe to the RABBI’S HOUSE. Before I set out to explain the letters, I have to tell you that parts of them were unintelligible, however one theme seemed to be that the aunt, while not x-tain, could still possibly go to heaven. There were also a lot of “scripture” quotes and references to lakes of fire, Buddha, Karma, the church and so on. But significant mentions of the Jewish people were also made: Such as if someone could come into to heaven without becoming a x-tain then everyone would worship like the Jews do (?) Also, that while Sodom and Gomorra were destroyed for their sins, their sins were not as bad as the Jews (?). And so on.
Are these the only instances? Of course not, just recent ones. A woman whose husband knows my husband suggested over dinner that they are just doing what they think is right, and that I should try to be more understanding of that. Okay, maybe the first time. Though I don’t understand why someone would think one religion’s doctrines and traditions trump the rights of another. Oh wait, yes I do. And that’s the point.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Shalom Bayit.
No, it’s not the name of the macaroni and ground chuck dish I hope to make for my husband, again, today. (It is his favorite.) It means peace in the home. Here, I guess, my home. While I have seen people in popular culture, TV, radio, books and the like, agree that yelling and screaming is good for you- I’m not really clear about how. I’ve also heard TV personalities swear and say mean things at each other and agree on some level that THIS is acceptable behavior!
When we were first married, my feelings were easily hurt if I felt like my husband didn’t consider my feelings before he did something or if he forgot about ME. These transgressions could be subtle. So over the years he has tried not to forget about my feelings or me when he makes a decision. I have to admit he’s become better at it over the years. He includes me in his daily life by talking, by letting me participate with him in classes and lectures, and by just keeping me abreast of what’s going on even when I’m not directly involved.
He always calls: when he’s going to be late, when he’s at the store, when I’m late and he’s worried. (Men take note.) Also, he let it slip once that he doesn’t love having coffee cups left around the house, but to his credit he hadn’t mentioned it since. Not even when I accidentally tipped a full cup onto the living room carpet. I thought it smelled delicious. I have tried, but the one on the end table right now tells a different story.
One morning, I got out of the house early to go to the bank with the Rabbi. He had a tax check with both of our names on it and they wouldn’t cash it with out my signature, my presence, and my ID. And I can kind of see the point, as I know that some men and women are not honest with their spouse about money. I tried to explain this to him, as clearly he felt bad. He takes it as a personal affront; something is wrong with him is the message he hears: The way he is dressed; the way he talks; the balance in his account. (It is none of these.) He wondered aloud, to me, if he was a town big shot or not Jewish would they be more cooperative? I wondered to myself, would they remember that his wife was rather annoyed and spoke sharply to the teller last year? (In my defense she was incredibly rude to us, especially my husband. Also in my defense, I’ve only yelled at one other person in the last three years, and for a similar reason. I also had to work up a head of steam, on purpose, as I don’t yell easily and because I felt this person richly deserved it. I am sure he thinks I am a little crazy.) Would I want to be a person who made him feel this way, rather than defending him? The answer is a resounding “NO”.
I’ve decided as I sit writing that I have to go home early and “make supper” as my husband has requested this when he dropped me off after the bank. He made it in an off the cuff sort of way, like a parting comment. Did he mean he wanted hot lunch? I can’t remember if there is something already made for him or not. He’s not terribly demanding about, well, anything.
I take care of the menu and he likes to eat meat everyday, so I try to make that happen. I take care of the laundry, mostly his dress clothes as in the past he has resorted to too much dry-cleaning. I take care of the bills and so have a separate account from his ‘slush fund’. I am good at this and I feel more secure knowing everything is done on time: the car note, the insurance, co pays, loans and I have money put away for the meat order, every two or three weeks. (Did I mention we live in a town without a kosher meat shop?) Since I took over the bill paying we have stopped arguing about money and we don’t have more of it.
I know he won’t be upset if I don’t come home and cook, but I’ll want to do it anyway. I sometimes feel that if I tell people I am going home to cook lunch for my husband they are judging me- negatively. After all, even he reminds me, he can cook his own lunch. And I am bothered that I worry about people viewing me as “old fashioned” or somehow “unenlightened”. I am also annoyed at the idea of other people assuming they know what is good for me or that they understand what it is I am creating in my life. Especially, when I look out in the world and see divorce, unhappy marriages, and men and women who act in demanding and demeaning ways to their spouse.
The Rabbi and I made an agreement before we were married that we would follow his job. And the result of that is that I am a housewife. (In some views I am unemployed; which has likely crippled my career, as I knew it.) There are no opened professional jobs in our small town. But I have to admit that staying home is not so bad. When my daughter was young I fought to stay home a little longer, and a little longer. One of my few regrets is that I worked too much when she was young (I had to) and now she lives on her own and I have no job. How’s that for irony. On some level, I also feel in retrospect that my loyalty to my job was a little over blown if not, at times, entirely misplaced. If I didn’t work so much, would I have been able to show her more patience? More nurturing? But I digress.
Early in our marriage my husband would become so upset if I cried. He truly believes that G-d counts the tears of women. He showed himself to be such a kind and gentle and protective husband. And really who doesn’t want that? So…I’ll try to remember that next time his cat pees in the clean laundry, or he next time he drops meat sauce on the TV room carpet. And I’ve long since given up on the idea of watching the big TV. Apparently it only shows sports. Maybe it’s in need of repair? But in all seriousness, these are the times to remember that I have a choice. Would it be better to fight about the TV or better if I just ask him if he wants some ribs when for when the game comes on? It depends on what I’m trying to create in my home.
One can talk about what’s bothering them, but it is best to pick and choose. If you or your spouse are always correcting each other, it will make things prickly at home. Anger, resentment, sarcasm, and bickering will poison any atmosphere. How one expends their energy matters! What if you looked for ways to make each other’s day better, ways to make your home more comfortable and peaceful?
Least you think I am a shrinking violet-I don’t have any opinions my husband hasn’t heard, in many cases quite a few times. Do I think he would let me use the big TV if I insisted? Probably. Is it easier for me to let go because I’m not crazy about TV anyway? Probably. Do I have moments that are not as generous? You betcha. But I’m working on them. Love, like peace in your home, is a choice we have to make everyday.
When we were first married, my feelings were easily hurt if I felt like my husband didn’t consider my feelings before he did something or if he forgot about ME. These transgressions could be subtle. So over the years he has tried not to forget about my feelings or me when he makes a decision. I have to admit he’s become better at it over the years. He includes me in his daily life by talking, by letting me participate with him in classes and lectures, and by just keeping me abreast of what’s going on even when I’m not directly involved.
He always calls: when he’s going to be late, when he’s at the store, when I’m late and he’s worried. (Men take note.) Also, he let it slip once that he doesn’t love having coffee cups left around the house, but to his credit he hadn’t mentioned it since. Not even when I accidentally tipped a full cup onto the living room carpet. I thought it smelled delicious. I have tried, but the one on the end table right now tells a different story.
One morning, I got out of the house early to go to the bank with the Rabbi. He had a tax check with both of our names on it and they wouldn’t cash it with out my signature, my presence, and my ID. And I can kind of see the point, as I know that some men and women are not honest with their spouse about money. I tried to explain this to him, as clearly he felt bad. He takes it as a personal affront; something is wrong with him is the message he hears: The way he is dressed; the way he talks; the balance in his account. (It is none of these.) He wondered aloud, to me, if he was a town big shot or not Jewish would they be more cooperative? I wondered to myself, would they remember that his wife was rather annoyed and spoke sharply to the teller last year? (In my defense she was incredibly rude to us, especially my husband. Also in my defense, I’ve only yelled at one other person in the last three years, and for a similar reason. I also had to work up a head of steam, on purpose, as I don’t yell easily and because I felt this person richly deserved it. I am sure he thinks I am a little crazy.) Would I want to be a person who made him feel this way, rather than defending him? The answer is a resounding “NO”.
I’ve decided as I sit writing that I have to go home early and “make supper” as my husband has requested this when he dropped me off after the bank. He made it in an off the cuff sort of way, like a parting comment. Did he mean he wanted hot lunch? I can’t remember if there is something already made for him or not. He’s not terribly demanding about, well, anything.
I take care of the menu and he likes to eat meat everyday, so I try to make that happen. I take care of the laundry, mostly his dress clothes as in the past he has resorted to too much dry-cleaning. I take care of the bills and so have a separate account from his ‘slush fund’. I am good at this and I feel more secure knowing everything is done on time: the car note, the insurance, co pays, loans and I have money put away for the meat order, every two or three weeks. (Did I mention we live in a town without a kosher meat shop?) Since I took over the bill paying we have stopped arguing about money and we don’t have more of it.
I know he won’t be upset if I don’t come home and cook, but I’ll want to do it anyway. I sometimes feel that if I tell people I am going home to cook lunch for my husband they are judging me- negatively. After all, even he reminds me, he can cook his own lunch. And I am bothered that I worry about people viewing me as “old fashioned” or somehow “unenlightened”. I am also annoyed at the idea of other people assuming they know what is good for me or that they understand what it is I am creating in my life. Especially, when I look out in the world and see divorce, unhappy marriages, and men and women who act in demanding and demeaning ways to their spouse.
The Rabbi and I made an agreement before we were married that we would follow his job. And the result of that is that I am a housewife. (In some views I am unemployed; which has likely crippled my career, as I knew it.) There are no opened professional jobs in our small town. But I have to admit that staying home is not so bad. When my daughter was young I fought to stay home a little longer, and a little longer. One of my few regrets is that I worked too much when she was young (I had to) and now she lives on her own and I have no job. How’s that for irony. On some level, I also feel in retrospect that my loyalty to my job was a little over blown if not, at times, entirely misplaced. If I didn’t work so much, would I have been able to show her more patience? More nurturing? But I digress.
Early in our marriage my husband would become so upset if I cried. He truly believes that G-d counts the tears of women. He showed himself to be such a kind and gentle and protective husband. And really who doesn’t want that? So…I’ll try to remember that next time his cat pees in the clean laundry, or he next time he drops meat sauce on the TV room carpet. And I’ve long since given up on the idea of watching the big TV. Apparently it only shows sports. Maybe it’s in need of repair? But in all seriousness, these are the times to remember that I have a choice. Would it be better to fight about the TV or better if I just ask him if he wants some ribs when for when the game comes on? It depends on what I’m trying to create in my home.
One can talk about what’s bothering them, but it is best to pick and choose. If you or your spouse are always correcting each other, it will make things prickly at home. Anger, resentment, sarcasm, and bickering will poison any atmosphere. How one expends their energy matters! What if you looked for ways to make each other’s day better, ways to make your home more comfortable and peaceful?
Least you think I am a shrinking violet-I don’t have any opinions my husband hasn’t heard, in many cases quite a few times. Do I think he would let me use the big TV if I insisted? Probably. Is it easier for me to let go because I’m not crazy about TV anyway? Probably. Do I have moments that are not as generous? You betcha. But I’m working on them. Love, like peace in your home, is a choice we have to make everyday.
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