Cheshbon Hanefesh, an account of the soul

I took an IQ test once, well likely more than once, but as an adult and likely for the last time. I saw it advertised in a local paper as part of a research study and who doesn’t want to contribute to furthering science? Okay, I was grad student, predictably low on cash, and they were offering money for subjects.
At any rate taking an IQ test was a lengthy and somewhat boring affair. During one of the breaks I got up and made coffee, as we were seated in a break area. I did ask first. The interviewer said, “yes.” But she was looking at me at lot like a bug under glass. And I started to wonder what it was they were REALLY measuring. As in so many blind studies, researches often give misleading information to the subjects so as not to influence their behavior. Hmmmmm.

When I was finished I received a paper with information and a phone number. I could schedule an appointment and pick up my test results. Admittedly, I was curious. At my next meeting the doctor told me the ‘secret number’-which was satisfying. He also mentioned that the test was not valid. (Okay, I already mentioned that it was arduously long and arguable more than somewhat boring, did I not? Perhaps I should have also mentioned that arduously long and arguably boring tasks are not my strong suit.) He also mentioned that he thought I was an underachiever. My thought at first was, “Gee I could have saved us both a lot of time an effort!” But I held my tongue. Finally, I thought ‘okay I’ll bite’ and asked, “What makes you think so?”

It seem that it was my job, I was a high school teacher at the time, and my level of education, I had a Masters. Seems my numbers reflected I could have done better. My first thought was maybe this process was invalid on a number of levels! A reversal of logic and the question- “Is it possible I am too competent as a teacher?” - made him smirk, but I couldn’t help, but notice he didn’t answer. Education was another matter. When my daughter was about seven years old, I was invited to the Ph D program at my University. And while I would have liked to stay under different circumstances, mine were that I had a little girl at home who would never, ever. be little again. And I already had a full time job. I told my very understanding advisor that I just wanted to go home…

In retrospect, it occurs to me that what one person thinks is good for me cannot stand up to decisions I make for myself. How could this test know what it is I truly wanted in my life? Do I ever wish that I had finished that last program? Sure, but not at that expense. No one ever dies wishing they had spent more time away from their children, do they?

Similarly, it is a good idea to take our own spiritual inventory, (and maybe not just in the month of Elul.) And, like my helpful, friendly, if mislead, psychologist friend, it is also not such a good idea to take someone else’s. (If one is being honest, as well as human, there should be plenty to work with.) Consider your relationship to G-d. Consider your relationship to fellow humans.

What do you need? That’s right you. Are there mitzvots you want to undertake? Is there a spiritual need you have not answered? Could you be a better parent? Spouse? Perhaps keeping a journal or a small notebook would help each of us to weight, first, where we are, against, where we want to be and to create some decisive, concrete goals and bench marks along the way. If you get overwhelmed, perhaps the best idea is to try one thing at a time. When you feel like it’s on track move to the next. Knowing what one needs to do is half of the solution. Only we know when we are truly “achieving.”

Jewish Unity- Enacting Ahavas Yisrael

How often do we bicker over our differences? Is it so offensive when someone doesn’t agree with us that we MUST resort to name calling and disparaging remarks? Perhaps the later is in part the result of an electronic world in which we can say nearly anything without having to face a person, and additionally, can choose to surround ourselves with people whose comments only agree with our stand. In the real world, after all, don’t we count ourselves lucky to be told by a friend, privately and tactfully, that we may have made an error, if only to correct it.

I’ve heard it said that, “All those who are more observant than me are fanatics, all those less observant than me, heretics.” And who hasn’t lived this? And before you get too comfortable, thinking that, after all you are not really religious-so it can’t be you, let me remind you it goes both ways!

In my personal experience in the past we have been criticized as being “too religious” by members who knew of my husband’s background and his Orthodox smecah. Although he is very careful to tell people what the laws are and what one should do to prepare for particular life events, he is gentle with people. One of his favorite remarks is “I’m a teacher, not a preacher.” We regularly have a people with a number diverse practices, degrees of observance, if you will.

On the other hand judgments go the other way, too. More recently, I was asked, in a private email of course, not to comment on a page because I am not an Orthodox Jew (and hence, it was later mentioned not a “real” Jew). Also, my husband was disparaged as was my shul, which was referred to as, “Temple Beth El Shabbos Desecrator.” I could wax on, but who wants that? We all have our tale to tell. Hillel said, “What is hateful to thyself do not do to another. That is the whole law, the rest is Commentary.” It sounds so simple and yet…

Don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful to have debates about halaka and discussions about minigs, but discussions and intelligent argument are not the same as bandying about inflammatory remarks or name calling.

It may seem like a long look at one subject, but that’s because I think solving this problem would go a long way to solving issues of unity. It is hard to make a conscious decision to fight fair, especially when in the back of ones mind they are holding on to the idea that “we are right”! Try to put it down.There maybe more than one right approach for some things.Tomorrow the person you are disagreeing with about a kipa could be wearing one!!!

One thing we can agree on is that we are all Jewish and are commanded to “love a fellow Jew.” One way to do that is to speak to each other respectfully and try to answer our differences tactfully. It is not a slight to our own beliefs to listen to an others and share our point of view without tearing anyone down.

Pray for Help, but Swim for Home!

There is a Midrash that one of my student’s once proudly repeated for me. It went something like this: There is a man in a small rowboat and big wave comes tips it over and it sinks. The man begins to pray. Shortly, a man in a fishing boat comes by an offers to help the man aboard.

“No, no,” says the man, “I’m praying for G-d to save me and I am sure he will.”

So the fisherman shrugs his shoulders and the boat goes away. The man has been treading water for quite some time and he is beginning to tire, when a sailboat comes by. The party on the sailboat offers to take the man aboard and sail him to the safety of the shore.

“No, no,” the man says, “I have faith that G-d will save me…” and he continues to tread water.

As he is treading water and the waves start to rise. A dingy comes by flinging and dipping in the waves of the impending storm. When the dingy stops a man on board offers him a ride to shore. Predictably the man declines. As the storm rages the man goes under and drowns. When the man appears before G-d he says, “I had faith. I believed in you. And I prayed and prayed. Why didn’t you save me?”

And G-d replies, “Well, I sent you three boats!”

I had an acquaintance as an undergrad in college. She was a born again Christian and was in recovery from drug use. She told the story over and over about how “the J man” had saved her and changed her life. (I think the story was designed and repeated to encourage us all to join her in this newfound faith.) Till finally in exasperation, a mutual friend said, “Yeah, I think stopping smoking crack and hanging around with drug dealers didn’t hurt anything either.”

This sounds like a harsh indictment and truly I was glad for and impressed at my classmates ability to not only stay off drugs, and to completely change her life around, including attending college. (“Who is strong? He who subdues his passions.”) And I have to say that I do believe in G-d’s hand in all things and the power of prayer, but sometimes we also have to be responsible for our choices, our free will, another gift from G-d. It is an ongoing paradox; we have free will and we have Divine determinism. We have to help ourselves in our development, in our lifestyle, and take on some personal responsibility. Not everyone starts out on an even playing field; this is understood. But as adults, young and old, we face challenges and we choose how to respond to them. G-d allows us opportunities. And we decide what to make of them.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Number nine of the BIG ten, the most universally known of the commandments, or statements, since there are, after all, 613 commandments. And number nine sounds simple enough doesn’t it? A command that you wont “lie on” someone, as we used to say as kids.

While teaching, one of my friends gave an example of bearing false witness that went something like this:

“What if the window as broken and the Rabbi came and asked ‘Who broke the window?’”

“Assume Josh was standing near and window. And the window was broken, but you didn’t see Josh break the window. Then you cannot say, ‘Josh broke the window.’ Understand?”

One of the other students, a young girl, piped up, “What if we THINK Josh broke the window?”

“If you didn’t see it, then you can’t tell the Rabbi that it was him,” the teacher answered.

“What if I saw Josh and he was really mad that morning?” the young girl persisted.

“If you tell that it was him and you didn’t see it, no. That would be bearing false witness.” And so on.

Toward the end of the discussion, the girl cocked her head in thought for a moment. She recalled that the kitchen window in the synagogue had been broken some months ago. It was found to be an act of vandalism. The police had been involved. Having put together this teaching example and an actual occurance she asked, “Was Josh the one that broke the kitchen window?”

We laughed a little bit about it afterward. “Why is she so interested in believing that Josh broke a window?” The teacher asked aloud. I think the answer and the incident goes a long, long way toward a deeper understanding of the commandment not to bear false witness. The experience says something on a larger scale about our make up, our human nature, that makes us SO inclind to want to blame; even when presented with information that the story was not true-from the original source-the little girl wanted to find her friend guilty. Or at least press hard enough and give enough unfavorable information, for someone else to…

Pehaps that is why we are also reminded to “judge everyone favorably”. Because we so NEED to be reminded.

What is a Rebbetzin?

Someone recently asked me. She is a friend of a woman who friended me. A quick look at her profile confirmed what I already knew. She is not Jewish. I have to admit my radar went up. How often is a question not really a question? I didn’t know whether to brace myself for an argument. A religious one. Again.

But first I tried a sensible and levelheaded response: I answered. As best I could anyway. I typed, “A Rebbetzin means literally the wife of a Rabbi. It is a Yiddish word. Generally speaking, a Rebbetzin is very involved in the community and helps her husband serve.” That seemed to sum it up I thought. Although it seems to be a definition of ‘Rebbetzin Light’.

I admit I half expected my questioner to remark that it is not a real position-much like being a mother is discounted as not being a real job. (Yet how many of us would chose this one over another?) And I guess to some degree it is not. There is no pay as a Rebbetzin. I have never seen a help wanted advertisement looking for Rebbetzins. And there is no hard and fast job description, only expectation.

Generally speaking one is always equated with her husband’s job. But besides that our life and by extension our definition of ourselves becomes very much connected to the synagogue, the Hebrew school, and spiritual life. People ask us questions: about Kashrut, about holidays, about weddings, about just about anything that comes up whether in daily living or in Torah study. (Not to suggest that these are mutually exclusive). And we answer them when it is appropriate and other times we call in the big guns-we suggest the person speak to the Rabbi. We visit the sick, we teach, we cook at the Shul and at home, we have guests for holidays, we participate in the sisterhood and other organizations much like other people.

We help the Rabbi remember things…”This Thursday begins a new month,” we might say, in case he might need reminding to bench Rosh Hodesh. We might keep extra kipas in our purse. We might recommend stores or write letters of complaint to companies on questionable kosher or make suggestions to larger chains to carry products we can actually use or write letters to the editor about stupid, anti-Semitic remarks. Some Rebbetzins write advice columns; some have public speaking engagements; some, like me, just keep the occasional blog and live a relatively less public life.

There is a story, a modern Midrash if you will, that one of my acquaintances told me long before I was a Rebbetzin. In a woman’s class someone asks the Rabbi about making egg salad. The woman asks if they put in an egg with a blood spot could they still use the salad. The Rabbi recalling some of the laws about involuntarily mixing meat and milk says a hesitant “yes,” if it is only certain percentage. A woman from the back of the room disagrees. Who is the woman? You guessed. The Rebbetzin.

In conclusion, I have to say it is difficult to define oneself in such concrete terms. I guess the result is that we, like anyone else, are defined by our actions.

Chanukah

“Oh Chanukah, O Chanukah.. Let’s light the menorah,” and depending on which of my classes version you believe either dance the hora or move to Flor’da… This past week at school the students have been practicing for yearly Chanukah performance at the local nursing homes and for our own gathering at the synagogue. The students are excited. I am excited. We’ re planning to bake red velvet cupcakes for the Rabbi’s party this year, and of course, we are making latkes.

And while on some level I don’t think I need to say this, on another I am reminder that I do. Last year someone handed the Rabbi a page explaining Chanukah as the “Jewish X-mass” at just such an event. (Why someone thought the Rabbi needed notes to talk about the festival is maybe another discussion.) These well meaning notes (being generous here) were provided by a nice adult, Jewish girl via her new, also I assume nice, Jewish boyfriend. The problem seemed to be that they were downloaded from the Internet and, I am guessing, not read carefully. There is a lot of misinformation on line, as I am sure you know. And not just about Chanukah. Though more recently I have received a number of ads on line such as “Star of David” tree toppers and “Discount Jewish Rosary Beads”. Now I admit I am on-line a lot more than I once was, so this may not be as new a development as I believe, and I also admit that not all practices are exactly the same, but I was a little confused.

Chanukah, the festival of lights, celebrates the miracle of the oil lasting eight days and the joy that we survived and thrived in the face of adversity. It reminds us, without a doubt, who we are, and what we believe, and the wisdom not to let others dictate or change this in anyway. Judaism doesn’t bend to the will of popular culture or outside influence. And how many things can you say that about?

Given the opportunity, we should remind not only our children of the complete story, of course, and what that means to us today. But additionally, each time we hear misinformation, please take a moment, if we can, to address it, in comments on blogs and info/news pages or letters to the editor. These comments don’t have to be hostile-think of it as an opportunity to address another the spirit of teaching. One wouldn’t yell at a child for what they didn’t know, only seek to help them learn. Also helpful is sending a corresponding link or resource. This way, one can use shorter answers and not have to ‘reinvent the wheel’ as the saying goes.

Understandably, we cannot always spend our time explaining and explaining to various and sundry people. Especially considering that some people, particularly in real time, are not always as receptive as we might wish. I do not, on every occasion that I am wished a “Merry X-mass” go on to explain that I am Jewish, that we do not celebrate X-mass, and so on. Sometimes, I just reply with what I hope is an innocuous, “Have a nice holiday.”

Language is telling. When we want to explain a subject we say we want to “shed a little light” on it; When we want to reveal something hidden, we talk about “bringing it to light”; when someone demonstrates understanding, we say they “see the light.”
Hoping the light and warmth of Chanukah are with you the whole yearlong.

Faults and weaknesses

If there is one thing I am good at its procrastination. In fact, you could say I’m practiced. In evidence, the Rabbi and I are heading out for our first vacation in a while. Not just yet, thank G-d, because I haven’t packed. I don’t like to over pack and the weather is iffy, so…that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Like anyone, it’s one thing for me to say it and another for someone else to point it out to me. Don’t believe me? Try it one time-with someone else of course! All silliness aside, how quick are we to point out other’s foibles and perceived faults and yet we are so sensitive, so merciful with ourselves. And I say perceived faults because, how often we are wrong in our judgments!

Recently, a young woman in New Castle, PA lost her child to social services. She tested positive for drugs after eating an everything bagel hours before the birth, which of course includes poppy seeds. I couldn’t help but notice that the article paraphrased the state law as the hospital being allowed to test anyone they “suspect” may be a drug user. What made her, and not someone else, “suspect”? The Talmud says, "The one who disparages does so from his own weakness" (Kiddushin 70a). One has to wonder at the situation. What bias, judgement, or presieved short falling caused her to be suspected, and not retested and questioned before her child was removed from her home. And as a “danger” why was her child in her home?

Another tragic figure, in NY, is of the young man from Rutger’s University who jumped from the George Washington Bridge to his death, after being secretly taped during sex and having it broadcast live over the Internet. His two tormentors, Dharun Ravi and Molly W. Wei, had done this before on two separate occasions, and not with this student! We should be reminded that the Tulmud warns us against shaming someone; that it is the equal of murder! Rashi goes as far as to compare the two by siting the color draining out of one’s face during embarrassment as though one’s blood where draining from the body. The Rurtger’s student was gay and, it is believed, that was why they tormented him. Certainly, this fact has something to do with blaming the victim in the court of public option. There are hundreds, even thousands of other examples.

"A fool indicts others, looking for their faults and attributing weaknesses to them. He will never speak the praises of others or positive attributes they might possess. He is similar to the flies who hover around dirty places"(Rabeinu Yona, Gates of Repentance 3:217). How often do we find ourselves making criticisms, harming someone’s reputation? Do we disparage others? And if so, to what end? Are we in the habit of shaming others? And when we hear these types of remarks, do we remember to consider what it says about the source to be making them? Even Mr. Phil, while not my favorite TV personality, accurately reminds his viewers, “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.” Maybe it is best to direct our judgments inwardly-at least then we will remember to be fair, sensitive and maybe even accurate!

It might be in our best interest to pack up these habits, as I am going to pack for vacation, and not as eventually.